The Fabled Lost Pole of Bala Leisure Centre

We’ve had a fabled lost tape-measure in this house for many years now – last seen when putting some shelves up under the stairs. Apparently, it’s right where I left it according to Mrs TPAS.

Anyway another futile hunt for same earlier put me in mind of a conversation I once had with Ged McCarthy the old pole prospector from them thar Mersey hills. We were sat around his camp fire in a layby on the B5105 late one night, eating beans from a tin and retelling tales about poles of yore, stay wires, double grooves and all that when he started to scratch out a map in the dirt on the back of his van and proceeded to mark an X.

“Ooh aar!”, he said, “Arr!”, he insisted, “Arr! here be found the remains of the fabulously fabled five-armed pole of Bala Leisure Centre.” {further oohs and arrs omitted for brevity} “Lost for many a year in the undergrowth it be, and nobody that has set eyes upon it has ever lived longer than a lifespan.” he warned. My spine chilled – Ged’s mate Deggsie had spilled Special Brew all down my back.

So magnificent is this pole that back in the 1920s they used to run bus trips to see it. People came from as far away as Norwich to gaze upon its tall wooden sticky-uppy grandeur. Slowly, though, fashions changed, fibre broadband arrived and BT Openreach came along and stuck a ‘D’ plate on it and its fabledness became lost to mankind.

Not any longer, because now you can light up the walls in your office/lounge/kitchen/bedroom/massage parlour with our reproduction of the original art-deco unoriginal fabled tour poster of the day. These come in A2 size (420 x 594 mm), unframed, satin finish all posted in a lovely refreshing cardboard tube. Just what your Christmas pressie idea head-scratching was looking for and only £8.99 plus p&p. And while you’re doing your Crimbo shopping you really ought to stock up on our diamond-encrusted*1 Telegraph Pole Appreciation for Beginners book. Key Stages 1-4 will delight, amuse, educate and something else your appreciative gift recipient – and they might just buy you something much nicer in return.
And if you enter the code IAMSKINT during checkout you’ll get 10% off everything – yes, everything: posters, memberships, mugs, books, everything. So just buy everything. What are you waiting for?The fabled lost pole of bala leisure centre
*1 We use only the finest homeopathic diamonds to encrust our books.

Christmas shopping

Well the Christmas tree has been up in the Feathers for nearly a month now so it must be time.  And John Lewis has rolled out it’s Sesame street tear-jerker-give-us-all-your-money Christmas advert and everyone else is already hard at it on the telly and that…  So here’s our very own take on the Christmas hard sell.

The following people off your present lists would benefit immensely from opening “Telegraph Pole Appreciation for Beginners (Key Stages 1-4) this crimble day :  Uncles Derek, Geoff (1), Bryan, Brian, Jim, Geoff (2).  Aunties Vi, Brenda, Caroline, Julie, Debbie, Margaret, Imogen*1 Grandad on mam’s side. Grandad on her side.  Nana, the other Nana.  The one we call Nana but isn’t really one.  Mates:  Dave (1, 2 & 3), Eddie, Bob, Brian, Andy, Jez, Jaz, etc.  Lady acquaintances: Sue, Carol, Jenny, Kath, Lesley, Wendy.  Plus the following sundry persons:  The entire populations of the counties of, Leicestershire, Northants, Hants, Devon, Cornwall (is that a county?) Northumberland, Cumberland, Lancs, Yorks, Wiltshire, Shropshire, Cheshire, Borsetshire, all those ending in “sex” down south, Wales, Scotland, Ireland.  And any other counties I can’t think of right now.  Oh and John, mustn’t forget John.

Just imagine their 60 million little faces lighting up on yuletide morn as they gaze upon that beautiful wipe-clean cover revealing 150 pages of pure telegraph pole indulgence.  And all for just £9.99 plus p&p. Get your copies here.

telegraph pole appreciation for beginners (key stages 1-4)
*1 Nobody seriously has an Aunty Imogen surely! Imogen is just not an auntie name.

TPAS BOOK LAUNCH.  Here, right now…

TPAS BOOK LAUNCH. Here, right now…

This is the book you’ve all been waiting for. And probably your entire lives if only you knew it. Prize-winning*1 author Martin Evans has put together 150 pages of the finest, most colourful, most distalgesic telegraphic information and other stuff about your favourite tall wooden sticky-uppy things. Many years in the making. It’s got 150 shiny pages, a front, a back, an inside as well as an outside and words galore. Plus we know you love facts so we’ve put in some of those as well. This is the book that just keeps on giving.

Here are three words that the publishers used to describe this book:

  • Humourous
  • Whimsical
  • Eccentric

Here are three more words. The ones the publishers didn’t use.

  • Audacious
  • Heartwarming
  • Cumulonimbus

Order one today and you’ll also receive some free love sent in your direction by our in-house giver of love, Mrs T. All this and a beautiful wealth-enhancing price tag specially selected just for you.  <CLICK HERE> to get yours now.

Orders restricted to 100 copies per customer. Sorry, but we are having to be strict on this one.

*1 Low Jump competition, Bronington Primary School, 3rd Place; British Sausage Time wrist watch prize draw: 1st place; 12 tins Kattomeat in Wrexham Evening Leader wordsearch competition, ca 1983: 1st place; Gallon of 5W-30 engine oil in Betws school PTA evening tombola: so 1st again.

**IMPORTANT** IF YOU WANT THE AUTHOR TO SIGN YOUR BOOK, PLEASE SAY WHO AND WHAT ETC. IN THE NOTES ON CHECKOUT. IF MR EVANS HAS ARISEN FOR THE DAY I’LL DO IT THEN.

Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society MUGS

A Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society MugOctober 29th it was when the checkout girl asked the person behind me – and I kid you not –  “Are you ready for Christmas?” Well I had to be restrained! I’d already been hearing Noddy Holder grinding out his annual fingernails-on-a-blackboard thing down at the garden centre for days by then.

We should all do well to remember that Christmas is only 99% about crass commercialisation and the endless purveyance of tat. The other 1% is about you parting with £8.99 to grab for yourself (or someone else) one of our all-new Yo ho ho! Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel, Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society Mugs.

Each mug has…

  • A handle.
  • A hollow bit in the middle for the tea.
  • A bottom.
  • Magnificent splendour.
  • A picture of a telegraph pole on one side.
  • And on the other
  • And some nice Technicolour www writing on the bottom.
  • A light buff cardboard super-strong box that it comes in.

What’s more, we have 3 special pricing plans so that everyone can afford one of these wonderfully collectable treasures.

Option 1 :  £8.99 including free P&P

Option 2 :  £5.99 only + £3.00 P&P

Option 3 : For our more skint telegraph pole fans we have easy terms on the tick: 2 instalments of £3.00 with a final payment of £2.99 all consolidated into a special one-off easy payment of £8.99.

You just can’t go wrong. So click that button now*1. Once for every person in your life who loves telegraph poles.  If you live in America or anywhere that’s not the UK then contact us first, please – there’s virtually nowt in this for us as it is !

 

 

*1 Offer limited to 1,000 mugs per household.

I’d like a mug please

A Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society mugGranted it may not still be Christmas by the time you’re looking at this.  But getting all the photography stuff out again to take a spring or summer-themed photograph is asking a bit much.  Especially when me and Mrs Telegraph Pole fell out over the taking of this one.  Anyway, declare loudly to the world down at the building site/office/church coffee morning your love of telegraph poles with one of these all-new Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society Mugs.  £8.99 all in, incl postage and all the stuff listed below…

The specification of these ultra-high quality mugs is breathtaking*1

  • Hold exactly 1.00 mugs worth of tea/beverage of your choice.
  • Empty bit in the middle to hold said tea/beverage of your choice.
  • Handle on side.
  • Telegraph pole image on one side.
  • Telegraph pole image on the other side too (not shown here).
  • The words WWW.TELEGRAPHPOLEAPPRECIATIONSOCIETY.ORG printed in lovely Technicolor (TM) to remind you where to go to order another one.

Also Included, absolutely FREE

  • High-tensile cardboard posting box – yours to keep, forever.  Built to withstand the weight of an Austin Allegro.
  • A warm glow of satisfaction of money well spent.

 Unlike some other appreciation society mugs, ours comes with free postage.  Unless you live in America, in which case, you’d bankrupt us so please contact us first for postage to the USA.  Or indeed anywhere outside the UK.

*1 If you at all suffer with Asthma