The Fabled Lost Pole of Bala Leisure Centre

We’ve had a fabled lost tape-measure in this house for many years now – last seen when putting some shelves up under the stairs. Apparently, it’s right where I left it according to Mrs TPAS.

Anyway another futile hunt for same earlier put me in mind of a conversation I once had with Ged McCarthy the old pole prospector from them thar Mersey hills. We were sat around his camp fire in a layby on the B5105 late one night, eating beans from a tin and retelling tales about poles of yore, stay wires, double grooves and all that when he started to scratch out a map in the dirt on the back of his van and proceeded to mark an X.

“Ooh aar!”, he said, “Arr!”, he insisted, “Arr! here be found the remains of the fabulously fabled five-armed pole of Bala Leisure Centre.” {further oohs and arrs omitted for brevity} “Lost for many a year in the undergrowth it be, and nobody that has set eyes upon it has ever lived longer than a lifespan.” he warned. My spine chilled – Ged’s mate Deggsie had spilled Special Brew all down my back.

So magnificent is this pole that back in the 1920s they used to run bus trips to see it. People came from as far away as Norwich to gaze upon its tall wooden sticky-uppy grandeur. Slowly, though, fashions changed, fibre broadband arrived and BT Openreach came along and stuck a ‘D’ plate on it and its fabledness became lost to mankind.

Not any longer, because now you can light up the walls in your office/lounge/kitchen/bedroom/massage parlour with our reproduction of the original art-deco unoriginal fabled tour poster of the day. These come in A2 size (420 x 594 mm), unframed, satin finish all posted in a lovely refreshing cardboard tube. Just what your Christmas pressie idea head-scratching was looking for and only £8.99 plus p&p. And while you’re doing your Crimbo shopping you really ought to stock up on our diamond-encrusted*1 Telegraph Pole Appreciation for Beginners book. Key Stages 1-4 will delight, amuse, educate and something else your appreciative gift recipient – and they might just buy you something much nicer in return.
And if you enter the code IAMSKINT during checkout you’ll get 10% off everything – yes, everything: posters, memberships, mugs, books, everything. So just buy everything. What are you waiting for?The fabled lost pole of bala leisure centre
*1 We use only the finest homeopathic diamonds to encrust our books.

Christmas shopping

Well the Christmas tree has been up in the Feathers for nearly a month now so it must be time.  And John Lewis has rolled out it’s Sesame street tear-jerker-give-us-all-your-money Christmas advert and everyone else is already hard at it on the telly and that…  So here’s our very own take on the Christmas hard sell.

The following people off your present lists would benefit immensely from opening “Telegraph Pole Appreciation for Beginners (Key Stages 1-4) this crimble day :  Uncles Derek, Geoff (1), Bryan, Brian, Jim, Geoff (2).  Aunties Vi, Brenda, Caroline, Julie, Debbie, Margaret, Imogen*1 Grandad on mam’s side. Grandad on her side.  Nana, the other Nana.  The one we call Nana but isn’t really one.  Mates:  Dave (1, 2 & 3), Eddie, Bob, Brian, Andy, Jez, Jaz, etc.  Lady acquaintances: Sue, Carol, Jenny, Kath, Lesley, Wendy.  Plus the following sundry persons:  The entire populations of the counties of, Leicestershire, Northants, Hants, Devon, Cornwall (is that a county?) Northumberland, Cumberland, Lancs, Yorks, Wiltshire, Shropshire, Cheshire, Borsetshire, all those ending in “sex” down south, Wales, Scotland, Ireland.  And any other counties I can’t think of right now.  Oh and John, mustn’t forget John.

Just imagine their 60 million little faces lighting up on yuletide morn as they gaze upon that beautiful wipe-clean cover revealing 150 pages of pure telegraph pole indulgence.  And all for just £9.99 plus p&p. Get your copies here.

telegraph pole appreciation for beginners (key stages 1-4)
*1 Nobody seriously has an Aunty Imogen surely! Imogen is just not an auntie name.

Dear BBC

That’s it!  I’ll not be watching Gardener’s World from now on!  I didn’t watch it anyway, but it’s the principle…

Thanks to John Brunsden #0469H for spitting his tea out at the telly when he heard this.

TPAS BOOK LAUNCH.  Here, right now…

TPAS BOOK LAUNCH. Here, right now…

This is the book you’ve all been waiting for. And probably your entire lives if only you knew it. Prize-winning*1 author Martin Evans has put together 150 pages of the finest, most colourful, most distalgesic telegraphic information and other stuff about your favourite tall wooden sticky-uppy things. Many years in the making. It’s got 150 shiny pages, a front, a back, an inside as well as an outside and words galore. Plus we know you love facts so we’ve put in some of those as well. This is the book that just keeps on giving.

Here are three words that the publishers used to describe this book:

  • Humourous
  • Whimsical
  • Eccentric

Here are three more words. The ones the publishers didn’t use.

  • Audacious
  • Heartwarming
  • Cumulonimbus

Order one today and you’ll also receive some free love sent in your direction by our in-house giver of love, Mrs T. All this and a beautiful wealth-enhancing price tag specially selected just for you.  <CLICK HERE> to get yours now.

Orders restricted to 100 copies per customer. Sorry, but we are having to be strict on this one.

*1 Low Jump competition, Bronington Primary School, 3rd Place; British Sausage Time wrist watch prize draw: 1st place; 12 tins Kattomeat in Wrexham Evening Leader wordsearch competition, ca 1983: 1st place; Gallon of 5W-30 engine oil in Betws school PTA evening tombola: so 1st again.

**IMPORTANT** IF YOU WANT THE AUTHOR TO SIGN YOUR BOOK, PLEASE SAY WHO AND WHAT ETC. IN THE NOTES ON CHECKOUT. IF MR EVANS HAS ARISEN FOR THE DAY I’LL DO IT THEN.

We’re open again.

Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society is open again

Oo-er this all looks a bit new doesn’t it? Different colours, different layout, different something else but ultimately the same old nonsense being spouted and that’s what’s important.

We’ve also got a shop now. Why not pop along and browse our endless aisle of TPAS merchandise and continuously click the buttons therein until you run out of cash. We will love you all the more for it.

Haven’t got around to fixing some of the old galleries yet, and some of the olde links may still be dead but they’ll be tidied up in due course.

And if anyone has any hassle with the shop thingy, do let us know – it’s all smoke and mirrors to us anyway but we’ll stab a few buttons here and there and see if we can make something happen.

Finally… The telegraphic excitement we’ve been teasing you about is getting very close now.

Competition Time

Now, I have one amazing claim to fame:  On 17th May 1985 somewhere on the M6 near Walsall I overtook a dark blue estate car.  At the wheel of that car was none other than Duncan Goodhew.  Yes this famously dyslexic motivational-speaker who has twice appeared on the Sooty Show glanced across at me knowingly – I could just see in his eyes he was trying to say “For Christ’s sake, come on then, overtake if you’re going to.”  Duncan, by this time, tiring of his squeaky puppet celebrity, discovered that his low-friction scalp gave him an advantage in the swimming pool.  He never looked back and won all medals and stuff and then did other stuff, probably. The final Sooty Show aired in 1992. 

Anyway, now it’s time for your very own CLAIM TO FAME.  It’s WIN A TPAS MUG COMPETITION TIME – Yes, enthrall your grandchildren as they beg you again and again to tell them the story of the day you won a Telegraph Pole mug off the chap who overtook Duncan Goodhew on the M6.

It’s one of those caption sort of competions.  Think up a caption or indeed anything at all to say about the picture you see below.  Not the mug picture, the other one.  Look up the rules on someone else’s caption competition and send us your caption/observations.  Look, we tried to come up with a caption ourselves and realised how hard it is – so we’ll accept pretty much anything so long as it’s related to the picture below.  We’ll choose a winner from one of my wife’s*1 ones by next Saturday (ish).  The picture was sent in to us by Dave Bennett (#0666) and somebody else sent it to him – the photo was taken at 16 megapixels apparently, but somehow shrank in the wash so I had to photoshop it back up again.  Anyway, here it flippin’ is.  See below picture for where to send your ideas.

 3 different sized power poles and pylons in a field

*1 Only kidding – she’s the judge actually.

A Telegraph Pole Appreciation Society MugSend your thoughts/caption/anything about this picture to us at:

TWITTER: @TPAS0001
EMAIL: martin@telegraphpoleappreciationsociety.org
FACEBOOK: In the comments section on the related post on our facebook page

Look what you win: (not that exact mug – you won’t want that one – it forms part of our in-house tea-stain ring-growing competition.)

We reserve the right to change the rules to suit ourselves – cos there’s always someone who tries it on.  No more than 2 captions per fake email address please.

 

TPAS Norwich Branch Spring Outing

This letter and accompanying telegraph pole related fascinators was sent on behalf of Mrs Doreen Bracegirdle – an occasional correspondent to these pages and who really is one of “those” aunties – if you get my drift.  Anyway, apologies to all of mankind for the delay in publishing – particularly to Auntie Doreen and young Gary m’lad.

A letter from Mrs Doreen Bracegirdle

TELEGRAPH POLE APPRECIATION SOCIETY NORWICH AND DISTRICT BRANCH SPRING OUTING, 2016.

Members of the TPAS Norwich and District branch recently visited the delightful Suffolk resort of Southwold.

Like many a coastal town, it has long been a magnet for senior citizens. But now it has become a noted retirement destination … for telegraph poles.

After decades of loyal service these grand old troupers had found their wire-carrying careers at an end. However, rather than spend their remaining years using their free passes to take up all the seats on the buses or holding up queues in the Co-op by counting out £1.93 entirely in coppers or volunteering to work in a charity shop but failing entirely to get to grips with the till, many have taken on useful new jobs.

In Southwold they are to be found each day at the harbour, marking out parking spaces, helping shore up the harbour wall, offering a mooring or two and even warning of the presence of underwater cables. That said, a few ‘oldies’ are still on active BT duty in Southwold (we saw a nice example up an alleyway near a church) and nearby Walberswick (where a 91-year-old pole outside the chapel proudly bears the original DP label). But it’s nice to know that, when their time comes, they can look forward to a retirement which doesn’t just consist of reading the Daily Mail and tutting.

Gary Snipe, N&D district branch treasurer.

{rapidgallery}suffolk{/rapidgallery}

Telegraph Pole Appreciation Day

posted in: General | 0

Due to the recent Red giant super moon, Telegraph Pole Appreciation Day is late this year and is on October 1st.

A Telegraph Pole on a postcard

 October 1st

is

TELEGRAPH POLE
APPRECIATION DAY

get outside and….

hug a telegraph pole
take a photgraph of one
climb one 
write a poem about one
admire one

print off the postcard on the left
and stick it to your wall 

then…
mark this date in your calendar

(normally 21st September

and no, we didn’t forget)

Pole on fire

posted in: General | 0

I‘m trying really hard to resist the obvious “hotline” pun for this story.  The Daily Mail didn’t.  Thanks to John Brunsden (#0469H) for bringing it to my attention, and hence to the wider world of telegraph pole appreciators.  These photos (on loan from the Daily Mail website and also a well known search engine’s street view) show after and before photos of a telegraph pole from a street in Paignton, Devon which seemed to spontaneously combust.  Read about it all here.

   Brilliant, we’ve had levitating poles before, smashed ones, crashed ones, short ones, fat ones, but never a burning one.  There are no reports that the pole was consumed in the fire so I may take this as a sign from on high, that I should henceforth forge a new religion based around telegraph poles.

A telegraph pole on fire The same telegraph pole on fire A telegraph pole covered in ivy

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